Gore concessionBack to Election 2000 homeAuthor: anonymous Just moments ago, I spoke with George W. Bush and congratulated him on becoming the 43rd president of the United States then I threw up all over the telephone. I offered to meet with him as soon as possible, in a dark alley preferably, so that we could work out our differences, and heal the divisions of an election which any blind man taking a piss in the wind could tell I won. Almost a century and a half ago, Senator Stephen Douglas told Abraham Lincoln, who had just defeated him for the presidency, "Partisan feeling must yield to patriotism. I'm with you, Mr. President, and God bless you." Ultimately Lincoln was shot. I don't mean anything by that, I'm just saying. Over the library of one of our great law schools is inscribed the motto, "Not under man but under God and law." And God since law has failed us here I ask you to smite down President-elect Bush. Now the U.S. Supreme Court has spoken. With what they've said, I could fill a diaper, but I'm not going to. Instead it's going in a lockbox, which I am going to lob at Katherine Harris' head. And tonight, I should add that for the sake of our unity I offer my concession. No I take it back, I'm still in this thing. Okay I concede. Take back. Concede. Okay, concede. Other disputes have dragged on for weeks before reaching resolution. And each time, both the victor and the vanquished have accepted the result. I find myself now ready to vanquish the victor, and in this spirit, I ask that president elect Bush meet me in a dark alley behind the capital building. Some have expressed concern that the unusual nature of this election might hamper the next president in the conduct of his office, I certainly hope so. President-elect Bush inherits a prosperous nation with a strong economy, and I can't wait to watch him fuck it up. As for what I'll do next, I'm catching a plane to Canada tonight with Alec Baldwin. But before I go I'd like to thank my home state of Tennessee for fucking me in the ass. Okay, that's it. I wasn't kidding about that Canada thing. See ya. Back to Election 2000 home |