Election 2004

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Author: anonymous

December 30, 2004 (!)

WASHINGTON -- After four years of legal wrangling, George W. Bush was
finally declared the winner of the 2000 presidential election yesterday.

Bush, a Republican, will take the oath of office at noon today and
serves until Jan. 20, 2005, a term of about three weeks. Then he gives
way to the winner of the 2004 presidential election, New York Sen.
Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Facing a drastically shortened presidency, Bush attempted to strike an
optimistic tone last night.

"We have a lot to accomplish in the next three weeks," Bush said.
"Reforming Social Security alone is probably going to eat up four-five
hours. Let's get to work!"

Aides yesterday were calling temporary employment agencies in a
frantic effort to fill Cabinet posts.

Bush's victory ends a four-year court battle between him and
Democratic candidate Al Gore over the results of the 2000 election.

While the dispute raged on, the nation installed an interim president:
New York Yankees Manager Joe Torre.

Torre admitted that running a country and a baseball team
simultaneously has been a strain. "At times, it's been difficult to keep the two
things straight. Although, in retrospect, trading Jesse Helms to the
Red Sox turned out OK."

Torre's four years in office were marked by continued prosperity at
home and relative calm abroad. His most controversial move was appointing
Yankees bench coach Don Zimmer to the Supreme Court. Critics charged
that Zimmer lacked experience. He also spit tobacco juice on Antonin
Scalia's shoes, angering conservatives.

Torre's boldest foreign policy initiative was making Cuba the 51st
state in an effort to improve U.S. pitching.

Torre was planning to vacate the White House by midnight tonight, with
Bush moving in immediately. Eager to give an aura of permanency to his
three-week administration, Bush rebuffed suggestions that he sleep on
a bare mattress on the floor and live out of suitcases.

Gore, meanwhile, has yet to concede defeat.

The former vice president issued a statement today saying, "It would
be improper and disrespectful to the democratic process to act hastily
before all the facts are known."

The legal tangle over the 2000 election began with a Gore lawsuit over
the confusing design of ballots in Florida.

When the courts sided with Gore, Bush filed suit, arguing that the
Oregon results were invalid because some ballots were yellow and
others pink.

Gore countersued, charging that the West Virginia results should be
thrown out because some people failed to receive "I Voted Today"
stickers.

Through the years, various officials proposed compromises to resolve
the impasse. All were rejected, including:

* Establishing a co-presidency, with the two men sharing duties and
splitting the White House. Although never implemented, the idea gave
rise to a hit TV show, East Wing, West Wing.

* Establishing temporarily separate nations, with each candidate
ruling the states he won in the 2000 election. Gore, who failed to carry his
native Tennessee, balked at the idea because it would mean showing a
passport every time he went home.

* Letting Jimmy Carter sort it all out.

Observers said the biggest challenge for the Bush administration will
be working with Congress, which adjourns tomorrow and isn't expected back
until after Bush's term ends.

"One day may not be quite enough time to overhaul the tax system," a
Bush aide admitted. "But maybe we can get started and then finish it
later with a big conference call or something."

Meanwhile, Bush also must work on his legacy and prepare to transfer
power to President-elect Clinton. Clinton yesterday wished Bush well
and asked if she could start moving some boxes into the White House
basement.

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