by Jeff Dieffenbach

Sharpshooter award

Anyone can score goals given enough shots. Damani Ralph netted 11 goals for Chicago, 3rd best in the league among the 106 players who scored in MLS this year. But it took him a league leading 89 shots to do so—1 goal every 8.09 shots. (There must be something in the water in Chicago: Ralph’s 2004 performance closely mirrored that of the Fire’s Ante Razov in 2003 and 2002.)

What’s really impressive is scoring goals without a lot of shots. Who were this year’s top Sharpshooters among those scoring more than two goals?

Congratulations to another Fire striker, new find Andy Herron, the 2004 Sharpshooter award winner for scoring a Gold Mine record 1 goal every 2 shots.

On Frame Award

Unlike the Sharpshooter, the On Frame award winner doesn’t necessarily find the back of the net. But they at least keep the ball on target (more than 5 shots to qualify).

The Galaxy’s Ned Grabavoy recorded a best possible 1.00, with all 7 of his shots going on target (and presumably, into a waiting goalkeeper’s gloves).

Shotgun Award

Unlike the Sharpshooter, the Shotgunner sprays them all over the park praying for the back of the net. The Shotgun Award goes to the goal scorer with the WORST ratio of shots to goals.

The Dallas Burn’s Ronnie O’Brien, if at first you don’t succeed …

Passing Fancy award

All true fans know that the while the heart of soccer may be the goal, its soul is the pass. And best of all is the pass that leads to the goal. The Passing Fancy award goes to the goal scorer with the best ratio of assists to goals.

Congratulations to Richard Mulrooney for dishing it out to win the 2004 Passing Fancy award. Honorable mention goes to Dema Kovenko (who is perhaps the reason for O’Brien’s Shotgun awared), whose 10 assists to 2 goals ratio gives him the highest ranking (4th) of those players with 2 or more goals. Alas, no honorable mention this year for any goalkeepers—not a one tallied an assist.

Homebrew Scoring award

A certain King of Beers (tm) sponsors the “2 points for a goal, 1 point for an assist” league scoring championship. The Homebrew Scoring award stands that formula on its head, giving 2 points for an assist and 1 point for a goal.

Congratulations to the 2004 Homebrew Scoring award winner, Jaime Moreno. And best wishes for a speedy recovery to Preki—may he contend again in 2005.

Take My Ball and Go Home award

Everyone remembers the kid who wouldn’t share. MLS is no different. The Take My Ball and Go Home award is arrived at by looking at the ratio of goals to assists for players with at least one assist.

No shame in putting the ball in the back of the net! No congrats for selfishness, but none of the teams above have been heard to complain. Well done, Taylor Twellman! Honorable mention goes to DC United’s Christian Gomez and Chicago’s Andy Herron for notching four goals each with nary a helper.

Share and Share Alike award

Mom always said, “Everything in moderation.” The Share and Share Alike award goes to those players who balance goals and assists.

Congratulations to Amado Guevara, winner of the 2004 Share and Share Alike award. Diego Serna’s 15 and 15 mark for Miami in 2001 continues to appear stronger with each passing year.

Two (Two!) Men Between the Ball and the Goal award

It’s hard to blame offensive players for wanting to score goals. It’s easy to blame them for ignoring the rules, however. The Two (Two!) Men Between the Ball and the Goal award goes to those with the highest ratios of offsides calls to goals. Sadly, MLS elected not to record offsides statistics this year, so the award goes on what the Gold Mine hopes is a temporary hiatus.

Schoolyard Bully award

School yard bullies don’t disappear when school’s out. The Schoolyard Bully award goes to the player who hands out the highest ratio of fouls called (more than 10) to fouls suffered.

“Shame on you” to Robin Fraser, winner of the 2004 Schoolyard Bully award. His 37 was no match for the Burn’s Simo Valakari, who dished out 73 against 23 received.

Punching Bag award

For every schoolyard bully, there’s a punching bag. In MLS, the Punching Bag award goes to the player who absorbs the highest ratio of fouls suffered (minimum 10) to fouls called.

Another purple heart to Jose Cancela, repeat “winner” of the 2004 Punching Bag award. Honorable mention goes to Davy Arnaud of Kansas City, who absorbed an astounding league leading 111 fouls, but managed to find time to serve up 52 in exchange.

Sisyphean Fans award

Greek mythology holds that for betraying a secret of Zeus, Sisyphus was doomed to perpetually roll a large boulder to the top of a hill, only to lose control and watch it plummet back to the bottom before starting again.

A team’s Sisyphus Number (SN) for a year is arrived at by dividing their average home attendance by their average points per game for all games.

The Sisyphean Fans ranking for 2004, recognizing fans who come out to support their club despite iffy performance, is as follows.

Congratulations to the stalwart Los Angeles Galaxy fans, repeat winners of the 2004 Sisyphean Fans award.

Pineda Colada award

Every coin has two sides. The flip side of the Sisyphus coin is named for the 2001 Miami Fusion star (Alex Pineda Chacon) whose presence still failed to drag fans away from their air conditioners long enough to take in a game. Fans of the teams with the worst ratio of average home attendance to points per game are as follows.

“Boo, hiss” to the Dallas Burn “fans” (perhaps waiting for their new stadium in 2005?), winners of the 2004 and breaking San Jose’s string.

Paul Caligiuri award

As the league ages, the high profile retirements continue to mount.

Hyong Mung-Bo’s stay in MLS was a short two years, but he remains the only MLS player elected to FIFA’s 100 best players of all time (admittedly, for his play before coming to MLS). For that, he earns the 2004 Paul Caligiuri award.

Hey, you can’t measure everything.